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    Here begins your journey into the mind of everybody's favorite asian, and I don't mean Jet Li.
What follows is the somewhat inane, mostly irrelevant, and self-important ramblings of a man on the brink of madness.
Welcome... to the Chu.

Monday, January 16, 2006
 Jack Bauer Facts    [L]

I figured that now would be a good time to start posting Jack Bauer Facts, in the style of Chuck Norris/Vin Diesel facts - post your facts in the comments.

I'll update this post when I can think up facts that are actually funny.

Meanwhile, check out the 24 Drinking Game. I don't recommend you actually play it, as I don't want to be responsible for your alcohol poisoning.
Every time...
Jack says “You have got to trust me”, take 1 shot
– if the emphasis is on “got”, i.e. “You have GOT to trust me”, take an extra shot
Jack doesn’t have time to explain, take 1 shot
Jack doesn’t have time for this, take 1 shot
Jack says “You’ve got to do it”, take 1 shot
– if this is followed by “and you’ve got to do it now,” take 2 more
Anyone points out something that is “against regulations”, take 1 shot
Anyone has got to understand what is at stake here, take 1 shot
Anyone gets tortured, take 1 shot
I'd add,
Jack shoots someone in the leg, take 1 shot.
Jack is talking to someone and says "XXXX, listen to me", take 1 shot.
A digital picture from a low-resolution source is "enhanced", take 1 shot.
Jack's wife/girlfriend/girlfriend's stupid kid/daughter encounters random danger (ie Kim & Cougars), take 2 shots.

Blatantly stolen from Ace
My good friend Brent McBain and I cooked up a few facts:
If a team of Jack Bauer clones played a team of Chuck Norris clones in the Super Bowl, the JBs would win. Although having the ability to roundhouse any opponent into submission, Chuck would lose after each Jack would convince the opposing Chuck norris that he was actually on Chuck's team and convinced each one to do a simultaneous death punch to the Chuck on the left, leaving a team of Jack Bauers against one Chuck Norris, who is convinced to score for the other team. Jack wins 140 to 0, but his woman dies.

Jack Bauer was never addicted to drugs, drugs get addicted to Jack.

Jack has dated every woman under an assumed identity at some point in time - including your girlfriend and your mother.

Jack spent years inside the Nazi death camps, honing his prison-breaking skills. When asked why he didn't help the other prisoners, Jack replied, "I do NOT have time for this".

The shirt you are wearing is really Jack trying to get information on you and your terrorist family. Quiet, don't let on that you know, or he'll blow his cover and shoot you in the leg!

Jack is so good at disguising himself, that he once became President of the US just to get a better feel of how to protect future Presidents. He organized the scandal of Watergate to end his term early when he was done with his research.

John Lennon, JFK, and MLK Jr. all tried to hit on Jack's daughter Kim. The moral lesson is obvious.

Needing a cover story to infiltrate South America, Jack Bauer single-handedly created the illegal drug trade. The secret ingredient in heroin that makes it so addictive is Jack Bauer's concentrated armpit sweat.

It is commonly assumed that Jack Bauer performs all his bodily functions off-camera. Actually, Jack Bauer modified his bodily functions shortly before the start of season 2 - he sweats urine and bleeds feces, which accounts for 75% of his screen time. He is one nasty mofo.

Jack Bauer lied to the devil and got away with it - we now celebrate this occasion as easter.

Update - 01/18/06 5:42PM
I'm noticing a lot of search engine hits on "Jack Bauer Facts". I'm not seeing anything else out there that's doing these facts (in the style of chuck norris), is it possible I've started an internet meme? Anyway, keep contributing!

Oh, and I figure this is a good time to bring back the 24 Greatest Moments of 24 (previous season spoilers!)

Update - 01/19/06 12:58AM
Looks like somebody did make a page of the Top 30 Jack Bauer Facts - and about dang time, too.

Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.

Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he's knocked out or temporarily killed.

Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.

Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.

While being ‘put under’ in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time. This annoys the doctors.

Jack Bauer can watch all 4 seasons of 24 in 24 hours.

Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.

Everytime Jack Bauer yells "NOW!" at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.

When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer f***ing hates lemonade.

Don't ask what Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar...

i, sadly, have none. i dont really know who he is...BUT...i must say, Jesus is more of a filet mignon.

By Blogger alygirl, at 1/17/2006 12:36:00 AM      

When Jack Baurer farts, time stops.

By Blogger Joel, at 1/17/2006 12:52:00 PM      

jack bauer once shot a pirate in the leg...but it was his wooden leg, and they both had a laugh about it for a while. then they went to a bar to play the 24 drinking game. once the pirate was nice and wasted, jack bauer choked him with a burrito.

By Blogger chad o, at 1/18/2006 03:26:00 PM      

Jack Bauer emerged from my t.v. and tried to persuade me to go on a date. I said no for 2 reasons: because he has been out with every other girl and I wanted him to get back in the dang t.v. so I can finish watching the series. Now I'm dead because I told Jack "no". Dang it, now I won't know what happens next. Ok, Jack, I'll go...just raise me from the dead and I'll go out with you. Now I'm alive, got a meal paid for by Jack Bauer, and I got to finish the series.

By Blogger KT, at 1/19/2006 10:49:00 PM      

lol, those are hilarious

By Anonymous Patrick, at 1/20/2006 06:01:00 PM      

Jack Bauer and Sherry Palmer are the same immortal person. They reproduced to have Cloie and Edgar.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1/30/2006 12:59:00 PM      

Jack Bauers real name is Jonathan Nudo. He currently resides in Daytona Beach and is a inspiring rapper.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1/30/2006 01:02:00 PM      

While away from CTU, Jack Bauer enjoys sniping at people in phone booths.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2/01/2006 08:58:00 AM      

there are a ton more over at :)

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2/01/2006 01:13:00 PM      

Jack Bauer's tears cure cancer. Too bad Jack Bauer never cries.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2/08/2006 12:13:00 AM      

The city of LA renamed a street to thank Jack bauer for saving them so many times. They had to change it back because pedestrians died when they crossed the street. No one crosses jack bauer and lives.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3/21/2006 06:14:00 PM      



By Blogger Chu, at 3/21/2006 09:58:00 PM      

As an addition to the 24 drinking game, every time Jack Bauer says something quietly and then repeats it at extremely high volume, take a shot.

This happens at least 8 times in every episode.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4/11/2006 11:40:00 AM      

Chu! Brilliant

If you like Jack Bauer facts, you might as well view/rate/post your own... I'm trying to collect his facts here:

Jack Bauer Facts

Jack is always under represented! =\

By Blogger Phil Crosby, at 9/21/2006 12:02:00 AM      

American Express never leaves home without Jack Bauer.

By Anonymous Grousie, at 10/03/2006 10:21:00 PM      

When Jack Bauer watches a pot, that pot boils immediately

By Anonymous Grousie, at 10/03/2006 10:22:00 PM      

^^^ speak up ^^^