If a team of Jack Bauer clones played a team of Chuck Norris clones in the Super Bowl, the JBs would win. Although having the ability to roundhouse any opponent into submission, Chuck would lose after each Jack would convince the opposing Chuck norris that he was actually on Chuck's team and convinced each one to do a simultaneous death punch to the Chuck on the left, leaving a team of Jack Bauers against one Chuck Norris, who is convinced to score for the other team. Jack wins 140 to 0, but his woman dies.

Jack Bauer was never addicted to drugs, drugs get addicted to Jack.

Jack has dated every woman under an assumed identity at some point in time - including your girlfriend and your mother.

Jack spent years inside the Nazi death camps, honing his prison-breaking skills. When asked why he didn't help the other prisoners, Jack replied, "I do NOT have time for this".

The shirt you are wearing is really Jack trying to get information on you and your terrorist family. Quiet, don't let on that you know, or he'll blow his cover and shoot you in the leg!

Jack is so good at disguising himself, that he once became President of the US just to get a better feel of how to protect future Presidents. He organized the scandal of Watergate to end his term early when he was done with his research.

John Lennon, JFK, and MLK Jr. all tried to hit on Jack's daughter Kim. The moral lesson is obvious.

Needing a cover story to infiltrate South America, Jack Bauer single-handedly created the illegal drug trade. The secret ingredient in heroin that makes it so addictive is Jack Bauer's concentrated armpit sweat.

It is commonly assumed that Jack Bauer performs all his bodily functions off-camera. Actually, Jack Bauer modified his bodily functions shortly before the start of season 2 - he sweats urine and bleeds feces, which accounts for 75% of his screen time. He is one nasty mofo.

Jack Bauer lied to the devil and got away with it - we now celebrate this occasion as easter.

Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.

Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he's knocked out or temporarily killed.

Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.

Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.

While being ‘put under’ in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time. This annoys the doctors.

Jack Bauer can watch all 4 seasons of 24 in 24 hours.

Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.

Everytime Jack Bauer yells "NOW!" at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.

When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer f***ing hates lemonade.

Don't ask what Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar...